| Love-Perverse 1

Many intimate relationships in our society are based on perverse love. This love may have one or more of the following characteristics:

1. Taking for granted the person who is lovingly available.
2. Chasing the person who is indifferent and unavailable.
3. Wanting independence from a lover, whilst at the same time wanting the highest commitment.
4. After the honeymoon phase of relationship, not thinking that we are worthy enough to be loved, and therefore not fully allowing ourselves to be loved, as well as being less loving to our partner.
5. Assuming that the love expressed by another is too good to be true. And therefore thinking that we had better withdraw before we get hurt and rejected, especially when they discover what we are really like.
6. Being attracted to a lover that we think we can dominate.
7. Being attracted to a lover that we think will dominate us.
8. Being attracted to, and wanting to possess the person who most fills our emotional neediness, whilst thinking that this need is love.
9. Believing that we are not able to love fully again because of past hurt. And therefore only being able to offer a reduced version of ourselves to any future lover.
10. Creating games and diversions to make a lover more doubtful about our love, in order to create emotional neediness in them, so that we can be more in control.
11. If rejected by a lover, to become frantic about reclaiming the lost love, even though we know deep in our heart that this is not a sign of love.
12. Confusing temptation, lust and sexual intimacy with love, and thinking that once consummated this means we are now in a committed relationship, regardless of how well we relate to each other on other levels.
13. Believing that displays of dependence, possessiveness, and jealousy are proof of love.
14. Presuming that love is mutual back rubbing, as well as scoring point for point. A points tally is kept both subconsciously and consciously. And if the tally is not kept in some kind of balance, then the one not receiving tends to feign withdrawal, which is usually an emotional ploy for control.
15. Thinking that we love a person because they have the right looks, credentials, status, career and so on.
16. Believing that if we agree on everything then we must be in love.
17. Continually putting a lover down, in order to take control of them and the relationship.
18. Suddenly becoming more interested if someone else shows interest in our lover.
19. Having left a relationship, still wanting to control and not let go of our ex-lover, especially if they show signs of being interested in someone else.
20. Assuming that our wanting and needing to be loved, is an indication of our availability and ability to love.

In reality, perverse love has nothing to do with genuine love. It is the cry of the wounded, emotionally needy ego, wanting recognition and wanting to be loved.

© Aaron John Beth’el

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